For quite some time now I have been under deep thinking moods to where I relive a few things. There is so much inside of me that feels I am getting the shorter end of the stick. These days I gather something must be stepping in the way again from me being happy. I dont know if its partly my own fault or just natural things taking their course.

I tell myself if I just let go of certain things and emotions I can clear myself and somehow be happier and free. But there is always some kind of pent up resentment that wont let me do it for some odd reason. Even if I do find someone to talk to as in either therapeutic types or friendly types I find that I more or less grapple with faith and religious guidance; that somehow I need that more than any other person can tell me sitting on a couch or chair for hours as I pay them to hear me complain. I feel that I dont want to associate myself with one specific religion at all since my family is a blend or its own syncretism...and I do respect each of their faiths really. But I dont want to sit on a sunday morning listening to things. Besides I wont fit in and might feel weird going and asking all these things.

To me its all feeling like the half empty or half full argument. I do only focus on the minor negatives but never on the actual good aspects of my life. I do have what most concider a good life but ever since the incident with the river at seven or eight its got me thinking more. We all experienced the same things, except now I am the only one alone. They have their kids and loves, the one who dealt with it along side me is married or was the last I heard. There I was at the most of awkward of places feeling that resentment. I to this day hate myself for what I did for how I acted then. But a person feeling so alone seeing the other with their husband and how they comforted them, having that support system and love right then and there killed me. But somehow I felt at peace surrounded by the many trees who oddly seemed dead looking, fitting for the final resting place of everyone. If only I had known then that a month after that I would meet someone that would let me know what love feels like now.

Here's the sad thing though, I mean I met my brother three years ago and I understood he had at the time his own person. I knew I couldnt let our feelings evolve well more or less I couldnt let mine evolve and grow out of fear. So even having him at that time still wasnt enough, nor fair that I knew a great person but I couldnt see them. I couldnt be there when he truly needed someone, nearly losing him physically through several self death attempts. It scared me to know I could have been alone again. To this day it scares me to be alone again and that has become a big fear now. The one thing I cant understand is I can experience love and care from two people but there far away. I cant go shopping with them watch films or play video games, watch anime with my loves, watch yuyu with brother, I cant do all that. I surely dont have others to understand me here. Its like everything I could ever want is right in front of me but no matter how hard I try I cant reach them or it. If anything I dont want christmas gifts...if a newer puter comes along fine but mostly just a pen set v5's and thats it or the pencils but thats it really. If anything I wish I could spend new years with love, but for now I have to keep on trying to reach and hopefully something will budge. I better get that avvie going...

-Angel-